ao3 user asterismo_s

(Sorry to all my friends who asked for this and were interested in reading this, but this became more like part commentary, part diary entry. I’ll probably always be able to remember the Reasons why I wrote certain parts of this fic, but just in case— here is a record.) (Obviously, since the fic is not complete, there’s a lot I will deliberately be skirting around, but we’ll get around to them someday!)

Let me just start by saying this: can you believe how shockingly few character studies there are on Vernon?

Like I think he’s such a fascinating dude, but as of this post (October 2, 2021) there are only 25 Vernon-tagged fics that mention "character study" on AO3, and I think only two of them are actually Vernon-centric, other than my own. (Of course, not all Vernon character studies will necessarily be tagged as such, but y’know what I mean.) So maybe this is when I lay down my credentials for writing Vernon-POV fic: we’re both Scorpio moons (For the uninitiated, it means that we likely share a very similar understanding of our inner emotions, and of what we personally find emotionally fulfilling). Like… I see him. I get it! I get lost in my head a lot too. And there are a lot of other traits that we share (mainly the secretiveness around our deepest thoughts and emotions, only to drop them in at the most opportune times hahahah ahhahaha).

But yeah— I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on how good my characterization is, and like, sorry to be cocky about it, but I knew. I worked really hard on it! And I think a big part of it, which maybe not every reader is attuned to pick up, is that I focused really hard on this being strictly from Vernon’s perspective. The things he notices and focuses on, the things he misses. Like, Vernon can have very astute observations? But you can see that he misses things, a lot. And I think writing limited perspective is probably always a little like writing an “unreliable narrator”, because nobody sees everything; people are always going to interpret situations and conversations in their own way. But I didn’t want to be too obvious about it, so I didn’t tag it like that or anything.

On (coming back to) ficwriting

One of the toughest parts of diving back in… was dialogue. Like, isn’t it always? And I think I personally really like to think about the tension between what is thought and what is said, and then what message is actually received. Like, there are so many imperfections about it!!

Also, with my limited knowledge of Korean, I tried my best to write dialogue that would actually translate smoothly into Korean. There’s a particular sensibility that can come from that, because the language itself is imbued with the Confucian ideals of Korean society, and certain sentiments wouldn’t exist if I only thought in English terms. And of course there’s also the case of writing Jun when he was very early in his Korean-learning journey; I tried to balance the stiltedness of speaking in a second language with Jun’s genuine concern as a gege/hyung. I don’t think I was the most successful with it, but that’s what I was going for! It was a good challenge.

But one of the risks I took with dialogue is actually kinda the opposite of it: how exposition-heavy the story starts off as. Like… I practically render Vernon voiceless (dialogue-less) for much of the introductory scenes (a whole 1162 words!). And that was really scary, because while it typically takes me about that long to decide whether or not I want to keep reading a fic, there are likely some people who would have already checked out and exited by that point, because it’s just so much internal monologuing, right at the beginning. But I chose to stick with it for two big reasons:

1. To emphasize the isolation that Vernon grew up in, and how used to… just keeping every thought inside he was. Like... okay, when I’m by myself, I talk to myself a lot, but most times it doesn’t even register as an externalized statement— I’m just thinking to myself. This version of Vernon keeps his thoughts internal a lot better than me, so that’s how I wrote him.
2. To convey the relentless monotony of trainee life, as concisely as I could. There is still a heavy veil around what trainee life is truly like, but I’ve picked up things here and there after being a K-pop fan for… over a decade now. And the thing I can most sympathize with is that, without friends, without connection, such a life could be very dull and unmemorable, and only emphasizes all of your faults and… incongruity with your peers. And maybe it’s so boring that you do some main-character-esque flashbacks in your head, just to keep busy! So yeah, I chose to make the intro section very uneventful.

And then maybe also 3) to express how vocal lessons did not give Vernon a voice; only hip hop and rap did. Well, and becoming friends with Seungkwan, and seeing that being “different” is not the only thing he has. But then it follows that, after he has his gay (bi) realization dream, he shuts back down again. He renders himself voiceless (for another ~1200 words), until he can find himself in a safe place (home) again.

… I say it like that, but obviously these are all artistic decisions. Because when I approach RPF, especially when it’s as close to reality as this one, I mainly think of it as… an alternate universe? That these are things that I could see a different version of Chwe Vernon Hansol doing, if he was placed in these situations. For instance, was Vernon likely as badly ostracized by his peers growing up as I made him out to be in my fic? From what we see of his time on Kids Explore Life, almost definitely not! He seemed to be well-liked, even popular to some extent. But I listened to his verse in “Trauma” a lot, and here’s where I ended up. 

Like, I almost do not think I could overstate the influence that “Trauma” had on my characterization. You can definitely see how many themes I took from it in my explanation behind not letting Vernon talk for a good part of the introduction portion, but also in how he feels like he is constantly afraid of being left behind by his fellow trainees/members (“At this rate, I’ll be all alone… I don’t wanna be alone/ No I don’t wanna be forgotten”).

Okay, we’re coming up on two pages in Google Docs, so let’s move onto the fun stuff! Here is:

Notes On A Scene (or quite a few scenes, because I like talking at length about these things)

Looking back on it, it’s actually quite shocking how much of these first two chapters were written… the very first day that I was [cursed] with this fic. (Thank you Google Docs for keeping track that it was January 28.) Namely:

• The two opening sentences
• The beginning of their friendship (“the easiness with which Seungkwan moves toward him, touches him…”)
• The “arm’s length” bit. Yeah, I wrote that banger the very first day! Like what!!!
• A little bit about how difficult Andromeda was, as a self-hosted livestream, because I already knew that that was going to be a Plot Point
• A bit about Vernon being very big on eye contact, although the bits I wrote ended up being spread much further apart than I originally imagined
• The Dream, and the coming-out scene (practically unchanged from this first draft!! Because these were really at the core of this entire story, and… I’d always liked how they came out.)
• And just a little bit of the bisexuality crisis he goes through! Because it was always going to be a major internal conflict.

I’ll touch on a few of these scenes here, but some of these I just wanted to put here as, again, a record/reference point for myself in the future. Because it’s nice to look back on this, and see how much has been there since the very beginning!

2. The title

Look, I know the HSM reference was a bit of a low blow! An eye-catching gimmick, even. But truly, once I thought of this title, I kinda couldn’t let it go. Because there’s not a star (dream) in heaven… that they can’t reach…..

But also they’re in the business of becoming “stars”... so there’s not a star that [someone] can’t reach….. And then not to even mention all the space motifs I’ve sprinkled through…… Just gonna put that out there in case anyone wants to go back through for that….…………...

3. Seungkwan doing the laundry

So… I decided pretty early on in the writing process that I wanted to base as few scenes as possible on real “moments” that have happened, in sight of fans. Like, I think there’s both the factor that I’ve always been extremely suspicious of “fanservice” and everything it can encompass, and that whenever I personally read a fic that was most definitely referencing something that had happened IRL, but I hadn’t heard about it before? I always felt like a bad fan, and badly out of the loop. (Now I just lean into being a bad fan! But I don’t like inspiring that feeling in others.)

But after doing… a good amount of research for this fic, into the real things that have transpired, (you gotta know what is out there to avoid it!) I stumbled across this diary entry by Seungkwan, from when the boys were periodically updating their budding fanbase on how their trainee days were going. 

Like yes, I’m undeniably biased towards Seungkwan’s every decision and action, but also this was just… such a lovely gesture from him. It’s not an earth-shaking act, but its thoughtfulness is so genuine. And so, I put a little spin on this anecdote by telling it from Vernon's perspective! And obviously, I made it about Seventeen as a whole, as a team, and it actually tied together really well, so I was really happy about that!

I think the fandom very rarely thinks about the 17’s Diary entries, but I actually really recommend some of them, because they really get at the root of some of the members’ motivations and how they think… but also yes, it’s all very raw. They were just kids.

4. Seventeen TV/Andromeda and the weight of perception

I think it’s a bit easy to forget nowadays, in the year of 2021, that Vernon (or all of Seventeen) was not always as self-assured in who he is, as the person we see now.

Like yes, Vernon definitely grew up knowing that he was very lovely-looking. Nonetheless, they were all just growing, teenage boys! I can never get over that, with K-pop. Puberty was so difficult for me, just being an extremely normal student at medium-sized schools, that I can’t even imagine what it must be like for idols. What must it be like to suddenly have a definite number associated with the amount of people paying attention to you at any given moment (viewer count), and not definitively knowing what their reactions were… whether they were actually in your corner or directly opposed.

That’s the thing that actually trips you up the most with public livestreams: the complete lack of audience feedback by facial expression, body language, even tone of speech— all the things that you would have in a live setting (on a stage, during a presentation, at a job interview...). You just have no idea if any of these people are liking the energy that you’re giving! You could be making a complete fool of yourself, and there is no way to stop it from broadcasting directly to your viewers, to control the content they receive. No edits, no filters— you just have an endlessly scrolling chat to go off of, where certain comments will jump out. Because no matter how beautiful, or talented, or hard-working you are, there will always be critics and naysayers, and those voices somehow always ring the loudest at that age. (Or, well, they still ring loud for me now in my mid-20’s.) And you remember those hurtful words the most too! 

So I have a love-hate relationship with it all. Because while I do genuinely think that the Seventeen TV/Andromeda experiences set Seventeen apart as a group from the get-go, by giving them invaluable broadcast experience— but Seungkwan was not joking when he said at Happy Together in 2017, “You can’t survive if you’re not willing and desperate.” I’ve tweeted about it before, but Seventeen basically had little to no guidance or help on how to manage public attention, and just had each other: fixing up each other’s appearances, reminding each other not to curse, being each other’s playmates or just… people who were there in the same room, at the same time, reacting to whatever stupid antics they were up to that day. These were teenage boys learning to bear the burden of having the public eye on them, and they could only depend on each other, be grounded by each other. Because maybe the nebulous “public’s eye” is a heavy weight, but shouldering it together with a group of boys that you trust, meeting their eyes instead of the camera’s— maybe that helps. (Until it doesn’t… in case you forgot where the story is at right now, haha.)

5. Hoshi’s eye surgery :( 

Okay so you all get to now know that this section, from start to finish, was almost entirely created for Xia / geguri, because she’s the one who notified me of this Very Important, Very Real anecdote from Hoshi about Vernon:

Like… wow. How do you learn about Vernon and Soonyoung sharing such an impactful moment with each other, and then not write it in your “journey to debut”, idolverse story? So yeah, I thought it was important to touch on the reality of plastic surgery concerns for idols, and maybe it was half a cop-out because I wouldn’t be able to write these sentiments about Seungkwan without reducing myself to a wreck, and so I came for Xia instead— but I’ve also said before that this fic was also very much my thesis on Vernon’s relationship with all of his members. And Soonyoung was definitely one of the biggest presences amongst the trainees: we can read the facts of his trainee life (waking much earlier than the Seoul students to commute to school in Maseok, traveling back to Seoul for practice, staying later than anyone else to dance) and be amazed by his ability and drive, but imagine seeing it with your very own eyes, and practicing side-by-side such a person? God. So yeah, it’s a little ode to Kwon Soonyoung. 

And it also relates back to the weight of public scrutiny that Seventeen TV and Andromeda placed on them. Just from the way Seventeen talks about their predebut days, the things that they’ve told us… I think it’s so safe to assume that Soonyoung (and Seungkwan) placed so much pressure on themselves when they took up the role of hosting Andromeda. And I so doubt that they were given the tools or support to properly prepare for all of that: likely no moderators, no chat filters— I don’t have a clear grasp on what the Andromeda chats were actually like back then, but I think even now audience etiquette on streams is still a pretty undefined thing, so I pictured it pretty negatively for this fic.

6. The Dream

So… this was actually the scene that jumpstarted this entire madness. Which is why it was a bit of a disappointment when… no one really reacted to it? But I’m coming around on it, and going to take it as a lesson for the future.

Like I’ve talked to quite a few people about it, but it’s truly been so fascinating to see the parts that a lot of people connect with and gravitate towards. Like who would have thought so many of you would enjoy my Vernon (and Sofia haha) having a Brad Pitt phase! And I’ve already gushed about Indigo’s comment, since they were literally my prompter, but when they picked up on the slight mean edge to Vernon and Seungkwan’s relationship— yeah. That’s the shit I love.

But here’s my take, on why this scene is so important to me: it’s literally based on how I figured out I was bi. Like give or take a few things, this is literally the dream I had one night and that I awoke from and was like, “Oh. Wow. I’m gay.” So it holds an irrationally high place in my heart! But I also do really like the mood I was able to set in that scene— it’s not the most immediately striking scene, it doesn’t have any punchy lines like the arm’s length one, but I think about it in conjunction with… okay, every scene where Vernon notes that Seungkwan looks him straight in the eyes. Because that’s a big thing for him, which I mentioned in a pretty heavy-handed move haha. 

7. Vernon being like “am I committing a hate crime by actually being gay?”

This one’s for NJ! God, you have no idea how much I went back and forth on whether or not to cut this line. Because to be completely fair? It’s pretty tonally different from literally everything else. But this is Hansol, trying to find his footing again after having the carpet pulled out from under him. It’s maybe his fifth day being gay, and knowingly in love with his best friend, and he has no clue what to do! And he’s a little hysterical without any direction, and he just wants to get something right. And isn’t it bad to prove stereotypes right? Because no matter how much he’s heard that the LGBT community is accepting, he doesn’t want to misstep any further. 

It’s like, when you learn something new about yourself— you can be very unforgiving about mistakes. (Or maybe… I’ve just told you something specific to myself. Whoops!) And you want to catch up so bad, get on everyone’s good side, as quick as you can— but yeah. I think the main thing about this part is that the actual fear has not set in yet. This is nervous baby gay Vernon, just trying to fit into the community— before he realizes that he can’t be perceived as part of the community.

To me, it was a throw-away line, but I’m glad NJ liked so much to remember it and ask after it! See what I mean about each person connecting to something completely different?

8. The coming out scene. Aw man, let’s get into it.

First off, I think there will be people who assume that this was based off of my own coming out. And it’s a yes and no! I essentially flipped what I’ve personally experienced for my Vernon: external support for familial acceptance, familial intolerance for (currently still hypothetical) public scorn.

I just felt that Vernon… Hansol shouldn’t need to also go through familial rejection, on top of everything else. And like, he was raised by parents who literally met and fell in love at art school. They definitely knew some gay folks.

Honestly, this scene also brings up another topic: that of his name. I determined pretty early on that “Hansol” represented his inner side, while “Vernon” was the outward facing self. Half of it was influenced by Seungkwan once answering “Hm… Hansol,” when asked, “Vernon or Hansol?” and the other half was just… me feeling strongly about names. Like I could talk about the private vs. public self for celebrities/those in the public eye, or about having multiple names in different languages/cultures, but also I could just talk about the opening/closing of one’s secrets and intimate self. Y’know, Scorpio stuff.

Like this is probably mainly only important to me, but the use of him identifying as “Vernon” only truly begins to kick up once he has the dream, and decides to close himself off emotionally. Y’know, Scorpio stuff!

Lastly, I actually wanted to call attention to Vernon’s dad. Because I know I gave his mom the big scene, the coming out, but his dad is also a focal point of two pretty critical points in this Vernon’s life: when he was scouted and when he was doing real bad in school (been there, done that— so not fun). These were both really big decisions in Vernon’s life, and I wanted to establish his family (his dad) as a really strong foundation in his life! Like yes, Vernon’s life choices will be his own, and he has to take responsibility for them, but his parents are always right behind him, ready to back him up in whatever way they can.

And that’s genuinely how it happened with him dropping out of school, where the way he tells it is that his dad told him “to just quit school and sleep more so I could focus on practicing.” (Seventeen Ize Photobook “17 13 24” Interview, this interview actually influenced a lot of my Vernon characterization!) I changed it a little in my fic, since I’m… pretty sure his mom had some say on that decision as well, but Vernon just remembers it mostly as his dad relaying this assurance to him. (See what I mean about limited perspective/unreliable narrators? Human memory is extremely subjective, it’s okay!) And I think the actual story of him being street-cast is that it happened when he was heading home on the subway one day, which is fine, but didn’t work for my story, so I made it up! 

Because for me, when thinking about Vernon, and the person he is, you really cannot discount the influence of his upbringing, the way he was raised. Based off of the tiny clips where we’ve seen Vernon interacting with his dad (the English tutoring show, a bit on Sofia’s vlog), the impression I’ve gotten is that… I think Vernon was raised in a very respectful, loving home. That this was a child raised to know that his own thoughts were important, and valuable; that there was importance placed on him cultivating the strength of his own mind so that he could think for himself. To me, his parents speak to him like they’re on equal footing (which feels different to me from talking at the same level, I think of that more as between peers of similar maturity, and it’s just not like that with one’s parents, generally). I’ve just always loved when people didn’t talk down to people younger than them, even kids; it’s really lovely to me. 

And then there’s also a small implication (I don’t think I was successful with this one) that Vernon is easily on the same page as his parents when he has direct eye contact with them, but when he’s calling his dad, they can’t see each other, which is why Vernon misunderstands the point of his dad’s call so badly at first. I think I’ll try to work this in better in the upcoming chapters!